Thank you guys for coming every day for Relationship Week here in Smarty’s World. Because everything ALWAYS starts at home, I’ve been using myself as a litmus test with this whole black women not being able to find men thing because, well, I’m a black woman and I have no man. *shrug*
So, my initial post was going to just be a summary of the week. A summary of the posts and some of your comments and what I’ve learned. Well, y’all can read, or else you wouldn’t come here, and I learned from this week what I always learn from conversations about relationships between men and women – not a damn thing. These conversations are always fruitless. More often than not, folks get pissed and start hitting below the belt or somebody just starts sounding ridiculous.
Case in point, last night after a long, random ass day at work, I sat down and watched Nightline Face-Off “Why Can’t A Successful Black Woman Find A Man?” I’m not sure when it aired, but one of my readers, Nicole, and the homie Eb the Celeb pointed me to ABC’s website for this discussion.
The panel included comedian and “The View” co-host Sherri Shepherd (@SherriEShepherd), newswoman and “Let’s Talk About Pep” cast member Jacque Reid (@jacquereid) along with author Jimi Izrael (@thednzelprncpl) and author and “CSI: New York” cast member Hill Harper (@hillharper). The moderators were Steve Harvey (@Iamsteveharvey) and Vicki Mabrey.
Jacque Reid's face here sums up how I felt afterward.
So, the panel discussed several things that I think have been stated and overstated and are discussed in the books written by all of the men on the panel. The women say they can’t stroke the man’s ego all day, every day. The men say women need to stop choosing bums. The men say women should date the man’s potential. The women say they’ve been cheated on. Blah. BLah. BLAh. BLAH! Ugh! All of this may be very true, but can I get really, really real right here right quick?
The main reason relationships among (insert race here) people aren’t working is because of a three-letter word that nobody wants to admit is their problem. And no, you pervs, it’s not sex. It’s ego. Ego. E. G. O. Relationships are not working out because neither party will let go of their damn ego.
Harvey said in his book that men need to feel appreciated. So do women. Women want their mate to be supportive. So do men. The things that men and women need, at the core, are, pretty much, the same. The problem is, nobody is willing to put their own needs aside for just a minute to do what their mate (or potential mate) needs done.
On this panel and in conversations in person and on the World Wide Web, it’s always about “what I want,” “what I need.” It’s never about “I can put this aside” or “We can help each other do …”
Everybody can look and see what it is that they want and need, but they never give consideration to what they are putting out there. If you put out into the universe that you are selfish, that is exactly what you will attract. It’s quite simple, if you don’t want a selfish mate, don’t be selfish. #duh
Another thing is a lot of folks think too much of themselves. Hear me out, there ain’t a damn thing wrong with a healthy self-esteem, everybody should have one. But some folks think they’re a lot better off than they really are. You can be cute with a jacked up attitude or unattractive and be the sweetest person in the world. Again, you get back what you put out.
Think about everything you offer in the package that is you. You’ve got intelligence, temperament, looks, you know, all the things that make you, you. Let’s say on a scale of 1 to smart, you’re about a 4. As for temperament, on a scale from 1 to crazy, you’re about a 5. And aesthetically, on a scale of 1 to “Thank ya, Jesus,” you’re at “Thank ya Jesus.” Overall, you prolly average out to about a 6 or a 7. The problem is, all of us, short, tall, fat, skinny, muscular or not, we’re all about a 6. The problem is we’re looking for 10s.
Bottom line – stop looking for perfection if your ass ain’t perfect. So, since none of us are perfect, stop looking for perfect. We all need a person that compliments us. A helpmate. A right hand. Somebody who’s gonna be there with your silly ass when times are tough and when they’re good. The last thing anybody needs is somebody who will cut and run because they don’t know how to put ego to the side and realize that they ain’t perfect either.
Now, stop wasting all your money on these books that yield no return. Stop having all these conversations that get your blood pressure up all high and start working on yourself. If you want a 10, do everything in your power to make yourself a 10. Get over your pain and scars and bitterness and yourself. Stop waiting for that mate to “complete you.” You need to be a whole person first!
Gah! This mess is getting on my nerves! We are never gonna be able to put our families together (or back together) if we can’t put ourselves together first. Let’s stop pointing fingers. We’re wasting precious time, here, people! Some of us want babies!
*side note* I kept hearing over and over again during that panel that women choose men. If we, Christians, want our men to be the head of the household, we need to stop stepping in his place and we begin that by learning and knowing that the Bible says in Proverbs 18:22, “He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD.”
Now, if the man is supposed to find his wife, it is our jobs to be found, therefore ladies, we need to figure out how to look lost. #justsayin
Like this:
Be the first to like this post.
Any of you who know me, you guys know I think entirely too much about things I shouldn’t. Let’s just say that I scared myself this weekend. After half a day nearly driving myself completely mad totally unable to write, not wanting to speak to people and not being able to sleep, I figured the best thing to do was grab a coloring book, some Crayolas and “color it out.” It’s not exactly my first choice of resolving inner turmoil, but it did the trick.
