Dear Facebook,

You suck.
I don’t know what the hell has gotten into you as of late, but the madness needs to stop.
Is it not enough that you keep telling everybody’s business – all the time, now you gotta be throwing shit up in my face? Every damn time I log in, the right margin of the screen is filled with some crazy advertisement that just magically applies to me.
Yes, dammit, I’ve heard of SlimQuick and hell no, I don’t wanna try it. What are you tryna say? I know pictures are worth a thousand words, are you saying that my pictures are telling you that my ass is too wide and I NEED some SlimQuick?
And what about all these dating sites you keep showing me? Don’t you think I know I’m single? I’ve been single for a long damn time now and I don’t need any punk ass reminders.
What, do you think I haven’t been searching for “Single Christian Men?” You think I’m desperate enough to take a heathen now and you’re tryna steer me back from the dark side dangling Boris Kodjoe’s picture in front of me like I’m gonna find his married ass on a Christian dating site?
And why exactly is it necessary to show me this modelesque black man/white woman couple for “Interracial Dates.com?” What, do you think showing me that will piss me off enough to date a white guy?
I got news for you, Facebook, I like white guys, they don’t like me. I think it might be the locs or perhaps it’s because my ass is too wide.
Oh, I get it now, maybe if I take this SlimQuick you speak of, I can hook up with a nice church-going man before I get too small and fry him up some chicken on Sundays after church. And if that doesn’t work out, I’ll keep taking the SlimQuick to get small enough to attract a white guy. I see you, Facebook!
Even if that is the solution to my wide ass and singleness, why do you insist on trying to get me to befriend people I wouldn’t befriend in life.
Lemme let you in on a secret, Facebook, if I could give a shit about what these people do in life, I could give a shit about what they do online. That’s just how it is, OK? I don’t need you nudging me every damn time I log in to “befriend So-and-So” because we’ve got 74 friends in common. I know that bitch has a Facebook page. If I ain’t “friended” her in six months and she ain’t “friended” me, maybe we just don’t wanna effin’ be friends. Is that alright with you, Dr. Facebook?
This is a social networking site, this is not the magical land of “I’ll forget all the nasty shit you did to me growing up so I can get my numbers up.”
And why do you keep telling me to connect with people I’ve already befriended? I know I haven’t talked to him in a while. That is on purpose. We already did the “OMG, I can’t believe it’s you/what are you doing now/are you married/you got kids?!/let’s keep in touch” bullshit. I don’t need to talk to him for another five years or so.
And where do you get off telling me who to talk to? As far as I’m concerned you’re just a rude ass snitch with zero tact and sensitivity. And further more, dealing with you is like being in a controlling, abusive relationship. Well, I want out! And as soon as I find a place to store all this information and these people, I’m so outta there! Just you wait!
*logs on to Facebook*