What in the Hollywood Hell?

*whistle blowing* FLAG ON THE PLAY!!! OFF SIDES!!! TECHNICAL FOUL!!! STOOOOOOOOOOOP!!!
Now that I have your attention, It has come to my attention in recent weeks that a lot of producers out in LaLaWood have decided that it is a good idea to remake several cult classics and I have taken offense to the foolishness.
You guys know I am an aspiring screen writer and you know I LOVE movies with every ounce of my being. What you may not know is I love them to the point that I apply quotes from movies to everyday life. Sometimes, my family and I ‘speak movie’ to each other. It’s hilarious really. Usually, the point is to use a line that either most people don’t remember or haven’t heard.
The problem is most of the movies we like, that are off the beaten path, are about to be bastardized with remakes coming soon to theaters and I HATE it, you hear me? HATE IT!
Case in point, “Fame.” OMG, I (heart) “Fame” so much it’s not funny.
It’s not just the story line, for some of the performers, the acting was horrible. It was Debbie Allen as Lydia who made the movie for me, though, when she said, “You’ve got big dreams, you want fame, well fame comes, right here is where you start paying for it – in sweat!”
Shoot, after that, I was ready to work! And if you think about it, that applies to everything in life. Now, sadly, they’re re-making it and they’ve gotten Naturi Naughton to be CoCo. *smdh*
If defaming “Fame” were not enough, these crazy people are planning to re-make “The Last Dragon,” and make Samuel L. Jackson, Shonuff. I guess we haven’t seen Jackson holler enough, now we gotta watch him claim to be “The baddest Mofo Low Down around this town!” *smh* Where will it end?!
I tell you what, if they re-make “The Wiz” I’mma have to cut somebody! I will phone up The Jaded Nyer to borrow one of her limited edition machetes and cut somebody!
Since we know that screenwriters all over Hollywood have run out of creativity and we know they’re going to re-do it anyway, one of my friends, K.Rhone and I have taken the liberty to suggest a few folks we think should play the parts now and some posthumously. Enjoy!
Muahahahahahahaha!

Dorothy was played by one Diana Ross. She did a good job and I’m not sure who could fill her blinged out slippers, but I’d give Jazmin Sullivan a crack at it based on her amazing vocals and her ability to bounce back after she busted her ass!
Posthumously, I would say that Aaliyah hands down! She was just awesome and I think her sweetness radiated in everything she did, even that horrible acting she did in “Romeo Must Die.”
The Cowardly Lion was played by Ted Ross who was soooo hilarious as the lion. I think the only logical choice would be the Velvet Teddy Bear himself, Ruben Studdard. He’s got the voice (and the girth) for it. I think he’d be awesome!
Posthumously, it could only be Gerald Levert. And he woulda played the hell outta that lion and brought some, dare I say, Big Boy Swag to it.
The rusting, big woman loving Tin Man was brilliantly executed by Nipsey Russell. We kicked around a few ideas of Jamie Foxx and Anthony Hamilton as the Tin Man, but I finally settled on Dule Hill from “The West Wing” and more recently “Psych.” I settled on him because of course he’s an excellent tap dancer and his singing voice doesn’t suck. But, Russell couldn’t sing that well either.
Posthumously, NOBODY could EH-vah out Nipsey Russell, Nipsey Russell. So I’d keep him as the only one who could ever play that part!
As for the Scarecrow, he was brilliantly played by a young, Negro Michael Jackson. I thought, and thought and thought about this and K.Rhone added her own thoughts to this as well. Her first nomination was one Usher Raymond IV. My choice was “Iron Fist” Chris Brown because he’s a better dancer.
Given Brown’s recent troubles and the fact that I want this movie to do well, I don’t think it would be a good look to have one of the most hated men in America in a principle role in this movie. So, Ursher wins by default.
Posthumously, I’d say Michael Jackson. LoL. That Michael Jackson is dead now and no one could top him for that.
And Richard Pryor is the best Wiz there ever was. K.Rhone and I both agree that The Wiz should be a “mature comedian” and I have several ideas, but none of them stick out as “The One.” I think George Wallace, J. Anthony Brown, Steve Harvey or Miss Laura (yes, a female Wiz) could pull it off.
Now for the supporting roles, I’m just gonna name ‘em all off and I’ll let your imaginations wonder why. Here we go:
Ms. One – The numbers witch who came out after Dorothy killed the first Wicked Witch should be played by Katt Williams or Sheryl Underwood. Y’know Williams would pimp it out at the male witch while Sheryl Underwood would be funny as all hell coming through there with her numbers!
Crows Wanda Sykes, Chris Rock, Mo’Nique and Rickey Smiley. Do you really need to wonder why they would make the funniest crows EVER?!
Glinda the Good – I’m thinking Patti LaBelle or CeCe Winans for no other reason than their vocals and the fact that I’m sick of the light-skinned long hair chick being the “good” one in everything! OK, that was some childhood stuff creeping up, but I really do LOVE Lena Horne.
My wild card pick for the good witch though would be Miss Bebe Zahara Benet, the winner from last season’s “RuPaul’s Drag Race.”
Evilene just HAS to be Jilly from Philly and that is NONE other than Jill Scott!

Kanye “The Gay Fish” West needs to assume Quincy Jones’ role and produce most of the music and appear as the conductor to the music during the ballet at the end.
OK, whaddaya think? Who did I miss? Who would be your picks or did I hit the nail on the head?
A girl can dream, can’t she?!

2 responses to “What in the Hollywood Hell?

  1. Empress Journee'

    you speak in movie lines too me and my folk do it all the time. lol could be could be not lmao

  2. LoL. “Who’s to say?”
    Girl, we do this -ish all the time. So much so, my mom does it too.

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